Hey all – I’m on vacation with my family right now after an awesome trip to DC with Biz and an amazing engagement photo shoot. It’s been warm and wonderful here — blooming, spring TOTALLY…. i can’t wait for it to come into Erie.

Anyway – I just wanted to blog an update on our family. I was going to keep this personal with some close friends, but more prayer is never BAD, and my Grandma Koos especially is very open about her situation.

My dad’s mother (in England-Nan, Grandma Mason) died semi-suddenly last Thursday night. I say semi because she’s been struggling for a while, and the last few months have been rough, but I don’t think anyone expected it this suddenly. My father is flying to England on Tuesday and the funeral is this week. It is a tricky one because we feel very disconnected from it, but just pray for my dad and the family, … it’s tough being so far away. I am sad it’s been years since I’d seen her, and I feel conflicted about the grief in this situation.

Also, we’ve gotten a few recent updates on my grandmother’s (Betty, mom’s mom) health…. her lymphedema and pain level, cough has been increasingly worse and worse. She is on 3x a week physical therapy for her legs. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago a doctor shocked us with the news that she thinks her time is very limited – in fact, not sure if she’ll make it another 6 months due to the speed the cancer is spreading through her lymph nodes and the amount of pain she is in. Then on Friday, they had an appointment with a diff cancer doctor – this one’s prognosis was worse – not sure she’ll make it through the summer, maybe more like 3 months. I think we are all reeling with this information, it hit me particularly hard last night. If her legs, hard and swollen and painful from the lymphedema caused by radiation/chemo could improve, I believe her last months could be lived out in much greater comfort. Hospice has been called in and I believe have started attending to her already – and they are beginning to make some funeral plans. I know the family and all of us who love her want to spend as much time with her as humanly possible… and that will be hard and overwhelming. Pray for her legs to improve so her last months can be better.

This is all so confusing… weird, thinking that we have been blessed enough to not lose any grandparents, and now it’s sort of happening all in the same year. Although nothing is set in stone, who knows how much time God really has for Gramma Koos. She is so incredible, so amazing, I just want to spend every moment I can with her now. I love you Gramma!!!!

And yet – here’s what I can say. My family are Christians – and therefore I know where they will be. And my Gramma Koos is ready for the Lord, and her faith is what started my entire family on the journey we’ve been on – and thinking of her in heaven with Christ is one of the most joyful things I can think about.

I don’t want to jump ahead of myself – there is still time – she’s still here! And we’ll spend our time together with joy – no matter how much is left. And who knows, I could die tomorrow. …. none of us know what time we have here on this earth. Let’s make the most of it, and know that we are secure in our Maker.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXh44eXaMsQ]

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems
Forgiven I’m alive, restored set free
Your Majesty resides inside of me
Forever I believe
Forever I believe

Arrested by Your truth and righteousness
Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness
Convicted by Your Spirit
Led by Your Word
Your love will never fail
Your love will never fail

I know You gave
The world Your Only Son for us
To know Your name
To live within the Saviour’s love
He took my place
Knowing He’d be crucified
And You loved
You loved
A people undeserving

________________________________________________

If you don’t have plans for Good Friday, come out to Grace to truly experience the love Christ has for You on this day we remember his sacrifice.

Also in my mind… after feeling shame and regret about a situation in life to the point of obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and after profuse apologies, God hit me at The Tuesday Night Thing. The church is broken, we are broken, we are parts of the whole. God’s love is over us, and is why we can have change and love still between these broken people.

“I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us…

He loves us.”

Yes, struggling-to-define-your-identity, straying-from-your-faith, you.

Yes, processing-a-loss, going-through-chemo, healing from a broken heart, you.

Yes, dealing with hard-times, feeling worthless, hurt-by-others, yet so beautiful inside, you.

And yes, silly, sinful, selfish, self-promoting, speaks-before-she-thinks, slightly OCD, sometimes-feeling-lonely, overly-dependent

me.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

oh love wash over a multitude of things
love wash over a multitude of things
love wash over a multitude of things

make us whole

there is a love that never fails
there is a healing that always prevails
there is a hope that whispers a vow
a promise to wait while we’re working it out
so come with Your love and wash over us…. 

sara groves, when it was over.

We’re singing this song on Sunday along with How He Loves, and I’m just overwhelmed with God’s love for us. How healing it is and how sweet. I’m so honored to get to lead these songs. I don’t deserve it but God has put me in that place so I’ll sing my sweetest for Him.

It’s been quite a few months really when I think about life, advances, my family and friends, my career. It seems that I’m honing in on the things I’m truly passionate about in my life inadvertently. I don’t want to say it’s being handed to me, but in some ways I’ve sort of fallen into it and I’m so glad I have. One person asks me to do this, I say yes – it goes on and refers to someone else. With websites and with photography.

• With music and worship, God is opening His spirit to me more, and I know it would be EVEN more if I wasn’t so dang busy so I could slow down more and get back into the Word again. He’s giving me more confidence and it’s only through His strength. 
• With My Father’s House of Erie, we’ve created tons of awareness with a face book page and I’ve even recruited someone for the board (who they LOVE). We’re moving forward and getting our mission statement across. We’ve designed a new logo for Bella Designs (to be revealed soon) and are going to hold a celebrity dress auction as soon as I can get to it. It’s a ton of work and time but for such an amazing mission.
• The grace website is being revamped. I’ve been able to be part of the process between Danielle (designer & organizer) and Chris (programmer) and it’s really cool. I think the entire thing is going to be fantastic – how much better it functions how much more updatable it will be… it’s really going to be sweet and help us be way more up-to-date and efficient.
• And with work, I am so blessed in my freelance and photography company that I keep getting work that I love and that the more I do it the more I love it. If it continues the way it is, I pray that God would grant me the ability to be stable enough to do it full-time. That’s always been the goal but I see the light now more than I have before with the addition of the photography component of my business. It seems like I could get there if I continue to press on and go without fear and comparing and my reverse-pride problem. I’ve for so long said “well so many other people are doing it, i shouldn’t do it.” but I WANT to be doing it too. And it doesn’t matter what others are doing. I do what I do and what I love and I do it as best as I can! In fact, I was recently in contact with my photography professor from college and he was astonished at the work I’ve been doing with photography, and wants me to come in and talk to his digital photo class in the fall which sounds sweet! I want to take more classes and learn more and do more. It’s amazing for me to feel a “desire” to actually ‘work’ (i.e., perform a service and get paid. that sounded bad) With design and stuff, I’ll do it and sometimes I like it but generally it still feels like a job. The photography – although exhausting (weddings) during the shoot, is still a total adventure. And the editing and reviewing process is such a joy. I can’t describe how much I’m loving it all… So, I’ll go where I’m lead and try to fight back against the self-confidence issues that hold me back. God loves me and all of us and has us all in His heart and will lead us if we let Him.

Anyway… on a lighter and shallower note, I’m really really really excited about fall 08 tv season premieres starting next week. aaaah!!!!

Ok – time to work on powerpoint….

[youtube=http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=NR5pId8JWgM]

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart but even through the dark suddenly Your grace

Like sunlight burning in midnight
Making my life something so beautiful beautiful
Mercy reached in and saved me
All that i need

You are so beautiful beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Visit her website and listen to the whole album

Over vacation I listened to a lot and read a lot. I thought about a lot and it was just another step in a journey God has been taking me on in 2008 to draw me closer to Him, be dependant on Him, love Him more than any other, and shape who I am supposed to be as a worship leader and Christ follower.  One thing I listened to was a podcast from a worship leader from International House of Prayer, Misty Edwards. It was an amazing talk. Of course I then looked to see if she had an album and she had several. It’s pretty radical stuff. This woman, from what I’ve read on the internet, told God at 19 that she would give up all of her 20s for whatever he had for her. She wouldn’t pursue a relationship or a lover, a house or basically anything that we all tend to be reaching for at that age.

She has one song on her album, Relentless, called I Will Waste My Life. You can hear it on this youtube video, but um… the video itself isn’t great so just listen Full lyrics are here as well. The song is big and serious, and the part that rocks me the most is this:

I say goodbye to my father, my mother
I turn my back on every other lover, and I
Press on, yes I press on
I say goodbye to my father, my mother
I turn my back on every other lover, and I
Press on, yes I press on

I believe the song overall refers to scriptures like this (if I’m not mistaken): Genesis 2:24, leaving father and mother and uniting with your spouse. She uses it though, as uniting with Jesus and taking Him as her lover. She even refers to wanting to “take His Name” in one part of the song. The other scripture I think it refers to is Luke 14:26, he who does not hate his father and mother cannot be my disciple.

These are troubling scriptures to say the least. I’ve always explained them away as in, your love for Christ must be more than your love for the people who are really in your life. He doesn’t really want us to “hate” them, He just wants us to be the one we love so much more. This could be true, but deep in me something gnaws that my love isn’t radical enough. Who knows what Christ could ask us to give up for His Name. And some who don’t know Him could ask – now why would I want to follow someone who asks me to give up everything I love?

Then there is a seeming contradiction with scriptures about God wanting us to live live abundantly and to the fullest. It sort of even relates to the sermon last weekend by Derek, about the heart behind money/stuff/and all the things in our life we love. If any of those, even a person, takes the place of the Lord as an idol, it becomes sin. Is that simply all this is? Living life FULLY in Christ and no other? In the Old Testament people were always asking for God’s blessings, provisions, land, wealth and He would give it – conquering armies, giving lands to peoples, men would take multiple wives and have many children…. and fathers and mothers were praised and honored (and of course should still be honored and loved today, that is NOT what Jesus is saying )

And honestly, I don’t think many people could sing this song Misty has written, all though I see on youtube that some have. I don’t know their individual stories, but this song seems to really draw on Misty’s personal life experience and choices. Either way, I’ve had it in my head for a few days now and I had to spit it all out.

God asks us to give up things to pursue Him recklessly. To pour our heart and soul in. To worship Him with everything and share His story and His love with others. To help the world and be fully available for His use. When God asks us to give up things or confront our idols, it is different for everyone. For some that maybe TV, drugs or other addictions. For some it may be the pursuit of a partner or other person. For some it is money, for some it may be food. For some it might be an unhealthy  obsession with family, friends or career.

For me, it’s cats.

Thoughts?

(that cat thing was a joke)

Yesterday we found out great news about my grandma’s cancer: her PET scan revealed a lessening of cancerous activity in the areas that were there and no new growth. She was just walking around smiling and praising God. I think she had a rougher day with physical symptoms today, but I bet it was brought on by stress of my grandpa going in for surgery. He had parts of his thyroid removed due to suspicions of some growths there, and so far the news is good as they think they are benign. He is in some pain, so if you could lift him up we would appreciate it.

Work is nuts and it’s odd being back. I don’t know why but I was up half the night yesterday. I fell asleep beautifully, but around 3:15 am woke up and I was up rolling around until somewhere in the 6′s. I can’t tell if it’s a medication side effect or what. I tried reading, watching tv, being on the computer, talking to Brian… (lol), nothing would put me to sleep. When I finally dragged out of bed, I was feeling so PHYSICALLY exhausted I could barely move, and I could NOT stand in the shower. It was actually a bit scary. The fatigue was so real and tangible … I had to go into work late. I am praying for a solid night of sleep tonight… I can’t function at my job when I don’t get it, and I’m nervous about that – which in turn can make it harder to fall/stay asleep.

And last but not least, I had to create an icanhascheeseburger for one of the kitten pics. Please go vote!!

moar funny pictures

all of my life
in every season
You are still God

i have a reason to sing
i have a reason to worship

*thanks kristin, via erica.

Last weekend, the promoted opportunity was sorting clothes at the City Missio donation center. When I read it in the bulletin and saw on the ServErie board, I felt a very obvious “Go and do this,” from the Lord. Having some retail experience in sorting worn/used clothes and tagging (I worked atPlato’s Closet in college, w00t!), I knew this would be something I (and pretty much anyone who doesn’t mind laundry) could do. As I pulled up on Tuesday, I was a little nervous, but mainly because you don’t know the procedures of the organizations, if they’ll even need you, where to go, who you’ll work with, etc. The nervousness was totally unfounded, as I walked in they quickly ushered me in, kept asking if I was from Grace Fellowship Church (no) and introduced me to Tiffany, Nancy, Diane, Robert and Fred who usually hang out at the “sorting” table. I couldn’t believe the amount of clothes and donations – which was great. Bales full that were twice my height. But the need was also great – they definitely can use any volunteer to help with all of the merchandise. It is also the warehouse for furniture and all kinds of other items they get in to sell. So, in short – a simple behind-the-scenes job, but one that was really awesome. Fred told me… with a serious expression, “Your good.” Me “What? Why??” “Your good. We like you. You need to come back.” Me, red-faced “Ok. I’ll try.”

It’s also amazing to see the people that are there, and being there on Tuesday I joined them for their bible study and prayer time. I don’t know many of their histories, but I know they are all affected by and touched by the mission of the organization. I enjoyed the company of the people so much and was so glad to be serving outside of the church and helping the city, that I did go back today as well. Couldn’t stay as long, but everyone was glad to see me back. I’m hoping for one day a week, a few hours, but if my freelance picks back up I might not be able to swing it. I am doing my best though. Thanks, God and City Mission for the opportunity!